Coming Out of the Dark

Sue Catt Guest Post, Coming Out of the Dark, Bubbles and Chaos, Depression, Mental Health

Finally. After months and months of fighting, I can finally see it.

Just a small, tiny bit of light.

You see, I have depression.


Then

In April of 2018, I sat on my floor, pills and insulin around me, ready to give up on everything. I had done my research and I knew that the combination I was about to take would be more than enough to stop my breathing and my heart. Supernatural—A show that I’d been watching for about a month while I went through surgeries on my kidneys—played in the background.  Sam, Dean, and Cas had become my world. And the smaller my world became, the worse I got.

In this particular episode, Dean was about to sacrifice himself yet again and die for the greater good. Sam, his younger brother was devastated and asked Dean what he was supposed to do without him. As I held the pills in my hand, Dean’s voice broke through the numbness and I heard him say, “Keep Fighting!”

I paused, looked up at the television, and Sam’s face was looking back at me. His eyes, filled with tears, appeared as if they were looking straight into mine. Now, logically, I know that it’s a TV show. Yes, I’m depressed and have issues with mental illness, but I do know the difference between reality and fantasy. In that exact moment, however, between Dean’s statement and Sam’s face, I couldn’t do it. Now, I’ve watched the show from the very beginning, and this was just a Netflix rewatch. I had been a fan but I had never joined a fandom or reached out to other people who enjoyed the show. I knew this was a thing, that there were groups of people out there that cosplayed and attended conventions but it was never me. But after this moment I knew that I needed something. I put down the pills and started to do research on the actor that played my favorite character. At the time it was Sam, played by Jared Padalecki. I read about his struggles with depression and his Always Keep Fighting campaign. I joined Twitter and started to meet people who also struggled and also leaned on Supernatural to get them through the days. I texted Imalive.org. for help. I vowed that I would keep fighting as long as I could and hoped that eventually I wouldn’t have to fight anymore.

 

A few months went by and I found that I had become part of a new kind of family. The SPN family. Now, I see it as two different things. There’s a grander scale SPN family, which includes everyone in the fandom and the Stars themselves. And then there’s my SPN family. This is a smaller group of about 15 people, who have taken the time to reach out to me, allowed me to reach out to them, and have become a lifeline. In the short time we’ve known each other, even though we’ve never met face-to-face, I think they know more about me than just about anyone. Two or three, in particular, have truly become my sisters even though no blood is shared, and one is quickly on her way, to becoming my person. That one person that you can trust above all others.


Now

Fast forward to now, and

though many of the issues remain, I am handling them differently. I find myself having more good moments during the day, and less time feeling lost. I try to hold on to the good moments and replay them in my mind when I need a boost. I am letting myself dream and plan for my future instead of my funeral.

I’m starting to feel motivated to get healthier and stronger, both physically and mentally. And more than anything I want to meet some of the incredible people I now call family. I can honestly say with no hesitation that without this show and without the fandom I would not be here today. Without my SPN family I wouldn’t want to be.

Now, I’m not saying everything is perfect. I have a long way to go and chances are I will always have to keep fighting. Depression is one of those sneaky things that, if you don’t watch out for it, can creep up when you least expect it. But at least I know I have people that I can lean on. They ask for nothing in return except maybe a shoulder they can occasionally lean on as well. I am fighting my way out of the darkness and just maybe, everything will be okay.

Guest Author Sue Catt

∼Sue Catt

 

Editor’s Note:

Today’s guest author, Sue Catt, is one of the fabulous fellow fanpeople I’ve met through social media, and I’m honored that she’s agreed to share a little of her story with us here on the site.

Read it, love it, share it, and show Sue some love by jumping into the conversation and commenting below!

You can find her on Twitter, and you absolutely should! Go follow @Catt_Sue today!

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8 thoughts on “Coming Out of the Dark

  • February 6, 2019 at 10:53 pm
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    It saddens me that your inner demons sometimes stop you from seeing the beautiful, smart, kind and loving person that you have always been. It makes me happy that Sam and Dean are helping you deal with those demons properly lol.
    You have shown me the light in life when I couldn’t find it myself, you have held my hand and been by my side without any judgement time and time again. You’ve never stepped in front of me or got in my way, but you’ve never given up; even when it meant sitting back and watching me do some incredibly stupid things. You have so much to give to everyone you meet, and I’m so happy that you have found some of those people, those people like you. The ones that without a doubt would be there to catch you if you fell, the ones who make it easier, even if a part of it is just the anonymity (at first), to find it in yourself to keep going.
    Please keep fighting, if you ever doubt your worth, call me. I promise I will shoe you how much you have impacted my life. Keep on writing, and keep on fighting. I love you.

    Reply
  • February 6, 2019 at 9:39 pm
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    you have always been a terrific writer, and this is no exception. I am glad that something reached out to you at the right moment, something that saved your life, I know what depression does to a person, and low self esteem, I hope and I pray that someday you will come home, where you belong, and that you can rely on your own family, but I am glad that you have someone to reach out to in the meantime. I love you a great deal, and I don’t know I would do if I received THAT phone call, but that is not as important as you feeling good about yourself. Please remember that I do love you, and keep on fighting.

    Reply
    • February 6, 2019 at 10:10 pm
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      I love you so much. It’s so complicated and confusing. I’ve been here 15 years now. I know it’s hard for people to understand but I can’t abandon my dogs. If I did that, I wouldn’t be a person I could ever be proud of. I WILL go home someday, hopefully not too far in the future.
      I’m the meantime I am fighting every day to find and hold on to happiness and to also get healthier physically.

      Reply
  • February 6, 2019 at 3:51 pm
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    Such a powerful story & it’s both scary & wonderful that the chance line of Dean’s at that moment had such an impact. This show & this fandom has amazed me & filled me with awe. I had no idea before joining it that such things existed and even less idea that they could be such a force for good. Even saving lives.
    I’m so, so happy that you’re with us Sue.
    #AKF

    Reply
    • February 6, 2019 at 9:52 pm
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      Thank YOU Susan, for being part of my Spn family. I treasure our friendship 💖

      Reply
  • February 6, 2019 at 2:47 pm
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    Absolutely Heart Wrenching. Full of emotion. So glad you are doing this Spot. #KeepOnFighting

    Reply
    • February 6, 2019 at 9:50 pm
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      Thanks Amanda. Spot’s an amazing person.

      Reply
      • February 6, 2019 at 9:56 pm
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        🙃 Now, now, ladies… you know flattery will get you everywhere. 😉

        Reply

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