Finally. After months and months of fighting, I can finally see it.
Just a small, tiny bit of light.
You see, I have depression.
In April of 2018, I sat on my floor, pills and insulin around me, ready to give up on everything. I had done my research and I knew that the combination I was about to take would be more than enough to stop my breathing and my heart. Supernatural—A show that I’d been watching for about a month while I went through surgeries on my kidneys—played in the background. Sam, Dean, and Cas had become my world. And the smaller my world became, the worse I got.
In this particular episode, Dean was about to sacrifice himself yet again and die for the greater good. Sam, his younger brother was devastated and asked Dean what he was supposed to do without him. As I held the pills in my hand, Dean’s voice broke through the numbness and I heard him say, “Keep Fighting!”
I paused, looked up at the television, and Sam’s face was looking back at me. His eyes, filled with tears, appeared as if they were looking straight into mine. Now, logically, I know that it’s a TV show. Yes, I’m depressed and have issues with mental illness, but I do know the difference between reality and fantasy. In that exact moment, however, between Dean’s statement and Sam’s face, I couldn’t do it. Now, I’ve watched the show from the very beginning, and this was just a Netflix rewatch. I had been a fan but I had never joined a fandom or reached out to other people who enjoyed the show. I knew this was a thing, that there were groups of people out there that cosplayed and attended conventions but it was never me. But after this moment I knew that I needed something. I put down the pills and started to do research on the actor that played my favorite character. At the time it was Sam, played by Jared Padalecki. I read about his struggles with depression and his Always Keep Fighting campaign. I joined Twitter and started to meet people who also struggled and also leaned on Supernatural to get them through the days. I texted Imalive.org. for help. I vowed that I would keep fighting as long as I could and hoped that eventually I wouldn’t have to fight anymore.
A few months went by and I found that I had become part of a new kind of family. The SPN family. Now, I see it as two different things. There’s a grander scale SPN family, which includes everyone in the fandom and the Stars themselves. And then there’s my SPN family. This is a smaller group of about 15 people, who have taken the time to reach out to me, allowed me to reach out to them, and have become a lifeline. In the short time we’ve known each other, even though we’ve never met face-to-face, I think they know more about me than just about anyone. Two or three, in particular, have truly become my sisters even though no blood is shared, and one is quickly on her way, to becoming my person. That one person that you can trust above all others.
Fast forward to now, and
though many of the issues remain, I am handling them differently. I find myself having more good moments during the day, and less time feeling lost. I try to hold on to the good moments and replay them in my mind when I need a boost. I am letting myself dream and plan for my future instead of my funeral.
Now, I’m not saying everything is perfect. I have a long way to go and chances are I will always have to keep fighting. Depression is one of those sneaky things that, if you don’t watch out for it, can creep up when you least expect it. But at least I know I have people that I can lean on. They ask for nothing in return except maybe a shoulder they can occasionally lean on as well. I am fighting my way out of the darkness and just maybe, everything will be okay.