On Friday, I walked out of my counseling appointment after an hour talking about how much I fear being left. I checked my phone for messages as I always do, and saw the video that ripped my heart to pieces. Supernatural, the show that has held me together on multiple occasions, was coming to an end after one more season. I wanted to leave my car and go right back to my therapist. I wanted to scream. I wanted to do anything except believe the words coming out of my favorite actors’ lips. Instead, I drove home with tears pouring down my face.
Let me take you back.
The Road So Far…
I started watching this show in Season 3. I was mostly a casual viewer, watching it while working on the computer or reading. Then in April of 2018, I got really sick. I wasn’t allowed to work for over 6 weeks. During that time I sunk into one of the worst depressions of my life. I started to binge watch all 12 seasons (13 wasn’t yet on Netflix) and researching the actors. I found out about Jared’s Always Keep Fighting Campaign. I read about Misha and Random Acts and all the good he does. And during the worst day, when I thought I couldn’t go on, a chance line given by Dean saved my life. I joined Twitter and found the SPN family and I have never had to fight alone since.
All Of The Sad
So we’re back to the day I found out the news. I got home and collapsed in bed. I cried for hours. No, not the pretty little sobs some women can get away with. I’m talking tears, snot, drool, and noises that belong in Crowley’s1Editor’s noted and emphatic cheering at the mention of the greatest character of all Supernaturaldom. Fight me. torture chamber. It felt like a break-up, a death, something much deeper than a show ending. Part of me was angry; it felt like yet another abandonment, someone else walking away from me. Logically I knew better, but at that moment logic didn’t matter.
Reaching Out — SPN Fam, Hold Me
Day two came and some numbness had set in. I was able to talk to some of my SPN family about how we were feeling and though there were still moments of crying, the anger had thankfully, dissipated. Stuck in the Twitterverse most of the day, just refreshing over and over, I could see that others were going through the same pain and shock. We virtually held each other up and promised that even though the show was ending, we would not lose each other.
Acceptance (Sort Of)
Today is day three. I’ve mostly come to terms with the news. I am happy our show was not canceled but that our leads made the decision. I’m happy knowing that this will give them the chance to be the husbands and the fathers they want to be, that their families deserve. I still feel sad. That won’t go away for a very long time, long after the Series Finale has aired. I’m sure as we go through Season 15 (!) there will be moments of devastation and the end will break my heart. But I am so thankful for what this show has given me, given us. The strength and determination I have found to fight my inner demons, the inspiration to do as much good in the world as I can, and most of all these people I consider part of my family, these things will live on.
And so, to Misha, Jared, and Jenson, to the Wayward Ladies, our King of Hell2Another “F*ck yeah!” from the editor in the background., and to the rest of the cast and crew, I say:
Thank you for so many years of entertainment, inspiration, support, and love.
Family Don‘t End in Blood and you will always be an important part of mine.